this is one of those believe it or not stories a buddy of mine told me over a couple of beers; He and a friend went deer hunting, rifle season. His friend was up in a tree stand and he didn't notice the buck that walked up under his stand. I'll assume his next decision was based on being a former high school wrestler, 20 years earlier. Feeling it was too easy to shoot the deer below, he quietly set his rifle down, pulled his Buck knife (4" blade) and pounced on the deers back. Luckily he wasn't killed but the buck kicked the crap out of him. He later said that was a stupid thing to do although it sounds ludicrous, it took by buddy 5 minutes to tell me that short story because he was laughing so hard while trying to tell it.
An Irish man needs a job at a huge office.
Irish man: Are there any jobs available here?
(the boss didn't want to have an Irish man working for him)
Boss:Well, there are but I think should just see if you are the right man for the job so here is a little test.
(he gives the Irish man a piece of paper and a pencil.)
Boss: Okay, so I want you to write down 9 without numbers or words. (he draws three big trees on the paper)
Boss:WTF is that?
Irish man: Tree+Tree+Tree=9
Boss:Well um...Try to make 99!
(Now he just scribbles over the 3 trees)
Boss:Okay, now wtf is that about?!
Irish man: Dirty Tree+Dirty Tree+Dirty Tree=99
(Now the boss thinks about something he couldn't possibly do)
Boss:Okay then, since you're very smart write 100!
(Irish man draws a dog next to the 3 trees that is having a sh!t)
Irish man: Dirty Tree and a turd+Dirty Tree and a turd+Dirty Tree and a turd
Boss: Thats 99.9 mate but it dont matter youve got the job!
A Vet goes to the post office to interview for a job.
During the interview the postmaster says to him that he's first in line for a job because of his Vet status.
The postmaster then asks him if he has any disabilities or anything of that nature.
The man replies 'Yes sir, while deployed overseas I stepped on an I.E.D. and my genitals were blown off!'.
Disturbed, the postmaster reluctantly asks his next question, 'do you have any allergies?'.
The Vet replied 'yes sir, I'm highly allergic to caffeine'.
The postmaster explains to the man that because of his Vet status, his injuries from the I.E.D. and his allergy to caffeine that he has no further questions and that he's hired.
After asking when he may start the postmaster explains to him 'The office is open mon-fri 8am-5pm. You can show up at 10am and work until 5pm.'
The man was a little puzzled and insulted by this, replying 'Sir I know that I may have some afflictions that you would call disabilities but they don't hold me back in any way and I'd like to know the reason you aren't working me the full 8-5 shift! I am perfectly capable of doing it!'
The postmaster's response to this was 'You have to understand, this is a government job. The first 2 hours all we do is stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. What point would it serve you to be here for that?'
I told that to some of the carriers I work with at my post office. I was a little shocked that some of them took it as an insult! I guess that's just a lesson for me saying that ANY Vet could be a postal worker but not just any postal worker could be a Vet. Thank every Vet!
If I could have used my 825i for rural delivery this winter, I probably would have been stuck a lot fewer times than in my little jeep!
The parents of a young boy were at ends with their young son Leroy. He would go fishing instead of going to Sunday School then make up fantastic lies. Bigfoot kidnapped him, or he was attact by Martians crazy, unbelievable lies. They asked their Preacher for help. The Preacher said "The next time he skips Sunday School I'll be at your house and I makeup a fantastic Lie to show him how rediculous his lies are." Well sure enough the next Sunday the Leroy went fishing. As he was returning to his house he saw his Peacher and his parents standing on the front porch but he was ready with a whopper. He started tell his story when the Peacher stopped him. Leroy you sure missed it today. While I was preaching a Grizzley Bear broke down the front doors of the Church and started knocking pews left and right. People running for their lives just then this little bitty dog came running in and jumped that Grizzley Bear. The 2 fought and fought for hours. Now when the fight was over and all the dust cleared that little bitty dog had swallowed that Grizzley Bear. Looking sternly at the boy he said, "Leroy can you believe that," hoping to make him see how ridiculous his lies were. Leroy looked back at the Preacher and without a second thought said "You bet it was my dog".
First I agree, thank a VET when you can, I served in the army for 3 years and it was a fantastic learning/growing experience and for those of you that did not have the opportunity to serve you have no idea of the brotherhood our soldiers, marines, sailors and airmen develop and the sacrifice they give.
Now I don't want to turn this into a "facebook" babble, just thought sharing a few jokes would give everyone a little stress relief for a minute or two.
Here's a true story; I recently bought 5 acres and the owner let the neighbor keep his goats/sheep on it to keep the brush down. I went up to drop of a quad and after backing off my truck I got off the quad and was rammed in the lower back, being a little startled I turned to find a large sheep standing there looking at me. Right next to me I saw a 2x4 that was split like a large wedge, I picked it up at the small end, put the thick end against the sheep's forehead and as I told him I was going to kick his ass, he leaned into the 2x4 looked me in the eye and I sternly told him he was lucky I had something to do in my trailer and I quickly left. He would have killed me! Not only that, what's the deal with that SPEED bag he carries around between his leg's? No wonder he's cranky
A boy and his parrents are staying at grandma's for the weekend...
The boy and grandma are downstairs eating breakfast. The boy asks, "where are mommy and daddy's at?"
Grandma "o they must be sleeping in."
The boy giggles and runs off to play with his toys.
Later at lunch the boy ask the grandma again, "where's mommy and daddy?"
Grandma responded, " they must of really been tired and enjoying there day off." The boy laughs and runs off to play.
Now its supper time and the boy again ask, " where is mommy and daddy?"
The grandma replys, "I have no idea where they are."
This time the boy dies laughing so the grandma asks, "what have you been giggling about all day?"
The boy responds,"daddy came into my room last night asking for the vasiline and I gave him the supper glue!"
this will only work in person and it helps if you bring it up in casual conversation.
Hey, did you hear about the actress that was murdered over the weekend? Reese..Ah, Reese....what's her name?
eventually someone will say with unbelief: Witherspoon???
And your response is; No, I think it was with a knife!